| þ®äýåg 的个人资料Beyond The Light......日志 |  工具  帮助 |
Beyond The Light......3月22日 This Blog Is Shutting Down. Since I have finally moved on to using a new msn id, maintaining this blog is getting quite irksome. As much as since the past two years this blog has given me much solace and personal joy, has been my outlet, it saddens me to actually stop posting here. Yes, I will not delete this space, but I shall just not post here henceforth. I'll probably hunt for a platform where I can continue confiding about my misadventures in abandon. I was reading the first post ever that I blogged on Beyond The Light and it made me smile as I realised how much I have changed. This blog will always remain here, as a pleasant memory of who I was, 2 years ago. I'm getting sentimental now so I shall stop. I'll post the link to my new blog soon(and that shall be the final post), once I find a location that satisfies my standards.
Warm wishes,
Prayag. 1月29日 I'm 20!!OMFG I am 20 FINALLY!! This basically means that my teenage is FINITO. No I did not die of devastation or succumb to a nervous breakdown. I was perfectly fine with it. We went shopping on the 23rd, went out to dinner to bring in my fantastic birthday, cut a cake at home, I received super presents AND I got obscenely drunk, *cringes*. So basically I dont want to type about the getting smashed out of my face part for the plain reason that it was embarrassing. Okay so now for the MOST IMPORTANT PART a.k.a PRESENTS. So let me divulge to you, what I received from who:
Porus got me the bestest presents (doesnt he always? lol) . He DESIGNED a shirt for me and got it stitched and all that. Its so divine I couldnt contain myself with all the excitement and everything. I dont want to describe how it looks since I fear ruining the effect. H also got this super perfume I wanted, Gentlemen By Givenchy. It was on my wishlist, so thats one more down. Thankyou so much Porus, you are always the bestest. *smiles*
Sheila (and her boyfriend Yusuf) got me Happy For Men by Clinique. I love that too.
Apart from these 3 items, Porus indulged me when we went shopping the day prior to my day. What will I ever do without im God only knows lol.
My birthday cake was Chocolate Truffle.
Ummm... that was it I guess? The main day a.k.a 24th was spent in bed, sleeping and recuperatng from the BAD hangover. ugh.
Conclusively, I enjoyed my brthday, which is a good sign. Those worries of ageing are gone. yay!
Apart from the birthday, flying is going slow, though good. I cant wait to hurry up and finish. But then, patience is the key.
Things in general are good here. I'm happy. heh.
I must leave now, the weather's super windy outside and I want to go stand on the balcony maybe.
Prayag. 1月22日 3 Days For My 20th Birthday.So 3 days more to be 19. *gasps* good grief 2007 passed by swiftly. I'm terrified. lol. I think I'm gonna have a britney-breakdown.
Okay superb exaggeration, but yeah whatever you know. Breakdown all the same.
Porus is coming tomorrow! Yay! Finallllllyyyyyyyyyy, this 3 weeks of being on my own will cease. Pah. So fucking sickening. I hated every moment of it. Damnit.
Okay so here's a shocker, as my beloved loyal fans will remember, I had stated in an earlier blog that my flatmate Rayomand and I can never go beyond being casual acquaintances. Well surprise surprise (atleast for the time-being)! Since the past 2-3 days we've been talking a lot and I discovered he can be quite a nice person to talk with. lol. Me and my assumptions in life. So far so good though. Even though my instincts and my mind tell me to be super careful with everyone here in Addison (refer to my previous blog about my paranoia and reason to feel like this), sometimes I feel that my future lies in trusting others again. But fuck that shit, Porus is all I have here to bank upon and everything, I dont really need anyone else. I mean, lets just see how it all goes. blah.
In other news, the food is over. Which means, in this fuck-all weather I have to go to walmart, pick up groceries, and return. I also need to go to the bank and et my debit card organised. Stupid dumb bank cant do one basic job straight. Arseholes.
I realised I despise the people-pleasing escapist variety. For some reason their functioning and mindset is too despicable for my taste. I wonder how will they survive. I also realise I hate anything and anyone that/who doesnt abide by me. LOL.
Ummm and so the days in Addison go on... the past 3 weeks have SUCKED. It will get better tomorrow evening onwards I'm sure. hehe.
Sometimes I wonder what would I do here if Porus wasnt around. To be on my own, with new people, is , DAUNTING. But thank God I've been spared that torture. Effing Rubbish.
I feel like going out someplace, shopping big time and also eating out. I am tired of this self-created house-arrest. LOL. I just need company and initiative to go out. Speaking of shopping, we were suposed to go to this place called Allen on the 23rd a.k.a Wednesday to shop shop but now my instructor scheduled a flight for me on the 23rd at 12.30 till 2.30 . So I dont know if its too late to leave for Allen then. Worst case scenario I'm trashing the Allen plan cuz my flight is more important than anyone else. I know I will be compensated for this good action. LOL.
More than anything, I know I am repeating myself for the 3rd or 4th time maybe but I'm SO excited that porus is coming back!! Its like I'm finally gonna be freed from this loneliness and boredom bullshit. Its really fucked my case badly thats why I'm ECSTATIC.
I was thinking the other day about how I absolutely LOVE making scandalous and obscene statements for SHOCK VALUE. I dont know, but I get such an intense kick out of it hahahaha... its true!! Why this desire to shock; fails me too.
You know what one of my future ambitions is? To make all that money, breeze in to the D & G store, swipe swipe swipe, breeze out. I must have already shared this with Porus, Pinka & some others but yeah. I want ferragamo shoes, Valentino suits, Miu Miu shoes and socks, Gucci luggage, A Breitling watch, etc etc. I think thats gonna be my personal fulfillment wishlist. I want holidays in St. Tropez, Dom Perignon avec Beluga Caviar. *sighhhhhhhhhhhhhh*
*Recovers from the gravity of the wishlist*, as of now, I am happy to just set my career up, and remain satiated with that.
I want to ask Lori a.k.a my amazing fabulous intructor what her opinion on Paris Hilton is. It intrigues me to know what the opinion of a normal american on our darling Paris is.
Speaking of Paris and her antics, I'm shocked to know of Jamie Lynn Spears and her pregnancy! *gasp*. But you know what, if she is okay with it, then who the f*ck are we to sit and create such a hulla-baloo. But I guess thats human nature. We love over-reacting to things. But still I feel personally, that 16 is wayyyyy too young for motherhood. I mean at 16 you need a lot of mothering yourself. Lol. Anyway I sincerely wish the best for Jamie Lynn.
Sometimes I get this weird feeling that my bathroom is haunted. I'm serious. Something is very weird about that place. There are
these noises in the tub when I'm soaking in it. Like strange whining noises. It scares me.
I've been so out of touch with the television and the newspaper that I'm completely unaware of whats happening in the world outside darling Addison. Which is DAMN GOOD. Aleast I'm at peace. Cuz when I found out about Benzair Bhutto's assasination I was devastated. I dont want anymore rude shocks. I'm happy in this sanctuary. phew.
I gotta go now. I wanna shower and eat. Shall update very soon!
PS: 24TH JANUARY IS MY 20TH BIRTHDAY. JST REMINDING YOU INCASE. LOL
Prayag.
1月17日 I Flew! & My Usual Update.1..2...3....I FLEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woot Woot!! What a feeling! It happened on the 11th of jan. I'm sorry I didnt update earlier I just didnt feel upto it. Anyway so flying has begun and am done with 3 flights so far. I'm so happy, I'm finally doing what I wanted, what I fought for, *dazzling eyes*.
I love flying. There's nothing else I ever wanna do. PERIOD.
I dont want to elaborate too much about it, for I feel it will reduce the gravity of the situation. So I'll leave it at that.
I'm well. Things are going okay. I've somehow managed to pass the days since Porus left in one way or another. Its so boring and lonely here but then I know I can handle it perfectly. For some reason suddenly I have issues in trusting those whom I thought were nice people. Its just that feeling you get inside, all of a sudden, that maybe the person you thought was nice and everything is REALLY not like that. For some vague reason I feel everyone here is concealing a hidden agenda/motive, that maybe if I let my guard down then harm will befall me. And I cant let that happen. So as of this moment, I have built my walls of defense against the concerned parties.
Loneliness at one point a few days back really got to me but slowly I've gotten used to it. I cant wait for Porus to return though. It will be back to the fun and frolic then. I feel that noone except him can be completely trusted here. I dont mean to point fingers or accuse anyone, but then its just me and how I feel/think about things.
My 20th birthday is fast approaching. As the clock ticks away I feel this sense of urgency and intense emotion inside of me. I dont know why I am taking this so badly but for some reason the thought of being 20 upsets me so much. I'm not being dramatic or fake here, I genuinely feel this way. One more year down. Good lord.
My daily schedule remains unchanged. I wake up around noon, fix tea, eat, sit online, bathe, sit online, study, sleep. It sickens me at times, but then hey, I can get through with it. I feel I ought to start cooking soon. Microwaving food on a daily basis is shit. I hate it. I'm gonna start cooking for sure.
Sometimes I cant believe that I'm FINALLY in the US. Its all so sudden and complicated. It has not hit me. It just never did. Weird huh? Tell me about it.
I realised how dependent I am on this blog to keep my sanity intact. Pouring my heart out (most of it) here lessens the trivial/huge burdens that I carry. It feels good. Really good.
Apparently there are chances of snowing tonight, snowing in texas is a rarity, but nothing like it if it does. That would be a nice sight, I'm guessing.
I'm yet to go fix myself some dinner. Its such a putoff to open the fridge and find the usual chicken-ham-bacon-turkey-rubbish. I tend to drink more water than anything else.
I think in a way, these days of solitude have been good for me. I got to spend time with myself, with no worries gnawing at me. Everything is so extremely peaceful that it amazes me. Ofcourse, there are the times when I suffer from my bouts of anxiety, worry, depression, the usual mood swings, but then the point is that all of those have been greatly reduced. Sometimes I feel that nothing in life is greater than life itself. But then again to live with that mere thought wont really work much of a wonder. One needs to work and thats what I'm doing. It amazes me, how I started this whole aviation thing back in Bangalore in 2006, and where I finally got myself today. Curled up in my bed between the blankets, I feel satisfied with all that i have achieved. Even though there are loads of people out there who got what they wanted the highly easy way, I know for a fact that I'm not god-forsaken either, infact I have had the luck which not many have had. But then, none of this would have been possible if it wasnt for me, perseverance, patience, belief and some great people who stood by. Thank God for them, really.
The 3 flights I flew have been good so far, the instructors are pleased, I just hope it goes on the way it is. The best part is when I speak on the radio. lol. Cant wait for the next flight. I'm so thrilled with flying, I cant believe how all this happened. Its all so crazy and everything but then maybe thats the way it was supposed to be!
In other news, mother called up today to inform me about the dispatch of the forex card and also that she was busy packing. She's packing because she's going on a holiday to where father is posted. She leaves on the 18th morning IST. The conversation lasted approx 8 minutes. I must have spoken to her after 5 days. Its always like that.
I wonder how Czar must be doing. All of this, and life in India, the people, all of it just seems so extremely distant. No you idiot I didnt mean it in a geographical sense, even though thats true too, but that wasnt my point. Point being, that it all seems like an old memory. I feel secure here, believe it or not. I feel like I have left all my troubles behind. And that this place has offered me sanctuary, so that by the time I return, I will have recovered enough to face it all over again. I dont think it could have gotten any worse than it was. I have faith, that things will sort themselves out for me and whatever is meant for my good will surely happen, and that more misery shall not befall me, for I have had more than enough of my share.
Even though at times it irks me because I cant reveal my deepest thoughts here on this blog, since its public, sometimes the temptation to privatise it is highly intense. But then again, that spoils the fun for all of you "prayag's blog's devotees". shyt.
I asked Porus once here in Addison a few days ago, that when he looked into my eyes what did he see? And he told me that he saw a lot of sadness, but then he said that he could see it fading away. I was stunned. Isnt it crazy how our eyes are a major giveaway? I always thought that facades were easy to wear but hell no.
To be very honest, I would say that its not that I am unhappy, for I am content and happy here. But still sometimes I experience moments of such extreme grief and bitterness that I feel I will die if it lasts for even a minute more. But then, it passes, like all other moments. The consolation is that it doesnt tend to dominate me THAT often as it used to in the past, for obvious reasons. I guess I'm on the road to recovery from all the madness that happened. I am, in general, and to conclude, at peace and satisfied with life at present. I fervently wish for this to carry on, and for it to not end, though its intensity may, for the balance has to be created.
Having typed so much, I will stop. Yes, I shall take care, stay positive and update soon.
Prayag. 1月10日 F*ck-all Schedule, New Laptop & The Amazing Ramble.So basically its been ages. I'm listening to Sexy Boy - Air. No i dont feel really sexy today. Reason being its really cold and my first flight which was supposed to have happened today, got cancelled due to bad weather. No I shall not take this superstitiously and succumb to devastation. I have my flight tomorrow and the weather is gonna be good so all's well. Apart from that not much is up. I have settled down here in Addison quite well. Its boring though, atleast for now. Porus and Sheila are in Bombay. Sheila's boyfriend Yusuf is here though he lives in the other apartment with the hampsters. My flatmate Rayo is in a world of his own, which I am too. I dont reallly wanna crib or bitch here, because I dont want anyone reading my superb blog and be mortified at reading stuff about himself. Anyway, so my average day since Jan 5 2008 is like this:
Wake up-make my bed-fix myself coffee, breakfast cum lunch consisting of: 1 croissant, 1 turkey and chicken sandwich, one piece of sponge cake-one hot pocket(its this thing made of ham and cheese stuffed within some bread-like thing-after all that, I wash the vessels-sit online-go run the water and sleep in the tub-take a shower at full blast-come out-preen in front of the mirror-sit onine again-mutter to myself-meet yusuf/maybe not- I hardly see Rayo, he's a nice guy and all that but we're nothing more than casual acquaintances, it suits me fine-so I sit online for a little while more-study-sleep.
Sigh. i cant wait to start flying. Atleast there will be something to look forward everyday. I hate this isolation. Its not that I'm anti-solitude or anything, but I'm just not in the mood for it. Sometimes I feel that everyone just cares about themselves and their convenience. Well maybe I am like that too, not sure. Its so annoying.
I really really hope I succeed in getting that commercial pilot license and finally doing MYSELF proud. I am not interested in whether others are proud of me or not, because the only person whose opinion ultimately matters is mine. I want Porus and Sheila to return quickly. Maybe thats selfish of me, but what the hell, all of us are selfish, atleast I'm public about it. I dont know why I'm justifying each and every statement of mine here but yeah thats whats happening and I dunno why.
I love addison. I love this place, its so calm and peaceful here. Its not some scenic wonder but its not an eyesore either.
My 20th brithday is fast approaching. 2 weeks are all I have left to be 19. I honestly DO NOT want to get older. They say "you are as old as you think you are" and all that shit-shat, but still, I just wish I would not age. My teenage is finally going to be FINITO. Not like I really had a memorable teenage but yeah whatever, thats not the point. Maybe I can cover up the tragedy by proclaiming how loads of birthday presents will cover my grief, but honestly I cant imagine I'm experiencing an ageing crisis SO EARLY in life. ugh. Someone help me with this nonsense.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have perfect relations with my parents. I dont wish to put them down or say they have failed, for no parent is perfect. They did the best they could have. I'm sure they think they did a fabulous job, though i think differently, and vice versa, but then to each his own. The point is that things are not "very perfect" with them. A volatile relationship, thats what I call it, with my parents, really. I think when I'm away from home ,things are generally very peaceful and cordial. Its a tragedy of sorts, sometimes I'm seized with this intense panic about who I will have around me after their time, you know, everyone may say its too early to think of all that, but still, never know. Its quite a chilling thought, of sorts. Its not like I regret about how it is, but then maybe this is how it was meant to be. I guess thats fine, as long as eveyrthing is cordial, peace is mine.
So apart from this, I got a new laptop! Its an HP dv9420us. I'm so pleased with it, we get along really well. lol. No I swear, its a brilliant model, just like me. Both of us are all glam-sham, shiny and super looking.
I realised I'm tired of eating refined flour based food and other bread related products EVERYDAY. I also realised that I want someone to COOK for me - ASAP. I also discovered my latest stress and boredom-buster: CLEANING. Its super duper therapeutic!! You all mortals have to come see our room now. Before it resembled a low-society garbage dump, the previous occupant (I will not take names) was an utterly disorganized individual (apart from being a bossy idiotic arsehole, ofcourse I threw major attitude on his face and acted like an UBER BITCH towards him, that shut him up, ok I'm losing my point), how such people exist I fail to understand, but anyway, I took it upon me to clean the whole damn place up, tidy it, vaccum it, arrange everything, put in our things, and VOILA! Welcome to our (porus and I live together in it) room!! Why are people so messy and disorganized?! I really dont get it, I HATE IT when I see untidy people. It drives me mad, but then I cant say anything, for one must learn to co-exist. *sigh*.
Yusuf has affectionately christened me The Divine Bitch. lollllllllllllllllllll. Thankyou, Yusuf, *bows and adjusts Divine Bitch crown on my head before I continue*. So basically Yusuf and Sheila apart from Porus, are people I am compatible with. Thank god for small mercies. For once I decided to step down from my pedestal and be friendly. haha. No really, Its not that I hate being termed a cocky snobbish bastard, infact it really pleases me when people term me that, but still, I cant really be a cocky snobbish bastard here to everyone you know. And anyway it doesnt hurt to be friends with people who are sane.
The thermostat in this apartment needs a tight slap. Because it doesnt function properly.
I'm listening to Rasputin by Boney M and now I feel really jumpy. Thank god for Boney M, hahahahahahaha oh fuck I love them so much. I think I'm in love with Kylie Minogue now. After I saw her banned Agent Provocateur advertisement on YouTube (pssst, you need to sign in and be over 21 to view that video, I lied about my age so thats how I saw it teehee, for once I wasnt paranoid of being over-age). What a video! W.O.W! No it did not "turn me on" or anything but it was really racy and sexy. Priyanka you can find some inspiration there. I also activated the Agent Provocateur screensaver. Its relle cool. Sadly they dont have a store in texas. Bloody. Not like I can buy anything from there for myself but no harm in going and seeing the place yeah?
Apart from all this bloody tosh, there is really nothing else of much significance. Apart from my instructor Lori, I think. No, Lori is a SHE, I'm sorry I have to point that out because my darling mother thought Lori was a man (I duno how she came to that conclusion). So basically Lori Martens is 27, funny, shrill, and smart. She asked me if I knew how to perform division, which obviously flabbergasted me and then made me burst into peals of laughter. I like Lori, she drops me home and compliments my dressing sense and everything. I think I like everyone who compliments me. Lol. Its true! I'm such a classic narcissist. sigh. What will become of me, dear lord. *gasp*
I better stop here, I'm overdosing on boredom. I'll update tomorrow and describe how my first flight went in great detail!
Prayag. |
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