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January 17 I Flew! & My Usual Update.1..2...3....I FLEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Woot Woot!! What a feeling! It happened on the 11th of jan. I'm sorry I didnt update earlier I just didnt feel upto it. Anyway so flying has begun and am done with 3 flights so far. I'm so happy, I'm finally doing what I wanted, what I fought for, *dazzling eyes*.
I love flying. There's nothing else I ever wanna do. PERIOD.
I dont want to elaborate too much about it, for I feel it will reduce the gravity of the situation. So I'll leave it at that.
I'm well. Things are going okay. I've somehow managed to pass the days since Porus left in one way or another. Its so boring and lonely here but then I know I can handle it perfectly. For some reason suddenly I have issues in trusting those whom I thought were nice people. Its just that feeling you get inside, all of a sudden, that maybe the person you thought was nice and everything is REALLY not like that. For some vague reason I feel everyone here is concealing a hidden agenda/motive, that maybe if I let my guard down then harm will befall me. And I cant let that happen. So as of this moment, I have built my walls of defense against the concerned parties.
Loneliness at one point a few days back really got to me but slowly I've gotten used to it. I cant wait for Porus to return though. It will be back to the fun and frolic then. I feel that noone except him can be completely trusted here. I dont mean to point fingers or accuse anyone, but then its just me and how I feel/think about things.
My 20th birthday is fast approaching. As the clock ticks away I feel this sense of urgency and intense emotion inside of me. I dont know why I am taking this so badly but for some reason the thought of being 20 upsets me so much. I'm not being dramatic or fake here, I genuinely feel this way. One more year down. Good lord.
My daily schedule remains unchanged. I wake up around noon, fix tea, eat, sit online, bathe, sit online, study, sleep. It sickens me at times, but then hey, I can get through with it. I feel I ought to start cooking soon. Microwaving food on a daily basis is shit. I hate it. I'm gonna start cooking for sure.
Sometimes I cant believe that I'm FINALLY in the US. Its all so sudden and complicated. It has not hit me. It just never did. Weird huh? Tell me about it.
I realised how dependent I am on this blog to keep my sanity intact. Pouring my heart out (most of it) here lessens the trivial/huge burdens that I carry. It feels good. Really good.
Apparently there are chances of snowing tonight, snowing in texas is a rarity, but nothing like it if it does. That would be a nice sight, I'm guessing.
I'm yet to go fix myself some dinner. Its such a putoff to open the fridge and find the usual chicken-ham-bacon-turkey-rubbish. I tend to drink more water than anything else.
I think in a way, these days of solitude have been good for me. I got to spend time with myself, with no worries gnawing at me. Everything is so extremely peaceful that it amazes me. Ofcourse, there are the times when I suffer from my bouts of anxiety, worry, depression, the usual mood swings, but then the point is that all of those have been greatly reduced. Sometimes I feel that nothing in life is greater than life itself. But then again to live with that mere thought wont really work much of a wonder. One needs to work and thats what I'm doing. It amazes me, how I started this whole aviation thing back in Bangalore in 2006, and where I finally got myself today. Curled up in my bed between the blankets, I feel satisfied with all that i have achieved. Even though there are loads of people out there who got what they wanted the highly easy way, I know for a fact that I'm not god-forsaken either, infact I have had the luck which not many have had. But then, none of this would have been possible if it wasnt for me, perseverance, patience, belief and some great people who stood by. Thank God for them, really.
The 3 flights I flew have been good so far, the instructors are pleased, I just hope it goes on the way it is. The best part is when I speak on the radio. lol. Cant wait for the next flight. I'm so thrilled with flying, I cant believe how all this happened. Its all so crazy and everything but then maybe thats the way it was supposed to be!
In other news, mother called up today to inform me about the dispatch of the forex card and also that she was busy packing. She's packing because she's going on a holiday to where father is posted. She leaves on the 18th morning IST. The conversation lasted approx 8 minutes. I must have spoken to her after 5 days. Its always like that.
I wonder how Czar must be doing. All of this, and life in India, the people, all of it just seems so extremely distant. No you idiot I didnt mean it in a geographical sense, even though thats true too, but that wasnt my point. Point being, that it all seems like an old memory. I feel secure here, believe it or not. I feel like I have left all my troubles behind. And that this place has offered me sanctuary, so that by the time I return, I will have recovered enough to face it all over again. I dont think it could have gotten any worse than it was. I have faith, that things will sort themselves out for me and whatever is meant for my good will surely happen, and that more misery shall not befall me, for I have had more than enough of my share.
Even though at times it irks me because I cant reveal my deepest thoughts here on this blog, since its public, sometimes the temptation to privatise it is highly intense. But then again, that spoils the fun for all of you "prayag's blog's devotees". shyt.
I asked Porus once here in Addison a few days ago, that when he looked into my eyes what did he see? And he told me that he saw a lot of sadness, but then he said that he could see it fading away. I was stunned. Isnt it crazy how our eyes are a major giveaway? I always thought that facades were easy to wear but hell no.
To be very honest, I would say that its not that I am unhappy, for I am content and happy here. But still sometimes I experience moments of such extreme grief and bitterness that I feel I will die if it lasts for even a minute more. But then, it passes, like all other moments. The consolation is that it doesnt tend to dominate me THAT often as it used to in the past, for obvious reasons. I guess I'm on the road to recovery from all the madness that happened. I am, in general, and to conclude, at peace and satisfied with life at present. I fervently wish for this to carry on, and for it to not end, though its intensity may, for the balance has to be created.
Having typed so much, I will stop. Yes, I shall take care, stay positive and update soon.
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